Shamandalie
by Trollhammer
Summary: A story about coming of age, inspired by recent events in my own life.
1. Chapter 1

**Shamandalie**

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada...

Summery: A story about coming of age, inspired by recent events in my own life.

I just want to say a huge thank you to TexMurphy for all of his help and support.

* * *

**Chapter One**

Blue lights flashed and flickered blindingly as the police led away the Hive Five in handcuffs, having failed a recent attempt at bank robbery. A small crowd had gathered to witness the event unfold, as this was a chance to witness one of the city's biggest threats up close in...relative safety. After all, they knew that if they wanted to break free of their bonds they could accomplish said task with tremendous ease...if not for the other reason the crowd had gathered: the Teen Titans. They stood a small distance away from the escort van, with no small hint of pride on their faces at their recent triumph. The politely smiled and waved at cheering fans while simultaneously dealing with police enquiries and standard protocols. After about 20 minutes of this, they were finally given the all-clear to leave. They briskly left for the T-car, clambered in and began the drive back to the tower. As much as they enjoyed some measure of their fame, they were exhausted and needed some well deserved rest.

"Man, are those guys getting tougher or is it just me?" Beast Boy piped up from the back.

"Probably the latter," came Raven's characteristic dead-pan response.

"What ladder?" he asked, scratching his head, until the realisation that he was being mocked...again, dawned on him. "Hey!"

"He may have a point Raven," Robin spoke up from the passenger seat.

Beast Boy stuck his tongue out at Raven, who just rolled her eyes and sighed to herself. He sat back into his seat comfortably with a slightly smug expression on his face, believing for a brief second he'd got one over on her, until his subconscious interjected.

_'Like that's ever going to happen.'_

His face drooped slightly and he turned to absent-mindedly gaze out of the window at the passing scenery; a bland and seemingly endless collage of glass, concrete and steel mesh.

'I wish a lot of things would happen.' he thought sadly to himself.

Although he never had the courage to openly say it, the young changeling had been admiring Raven from afar for some time now. At first, he had been captivated by the empath's more obvious qualities such as her incidental beauty and her shining, amethyst eyes. But over time, he had picked up on the...other things...her almost hypnotically monotonous yet silky voice...her sense of self-awareness...her sharp, rhetorical wit...dammit, just the way she would sit and read a book got him flustered! Over the last few months, his feelings of admiration for her had developed into...something more. But as much as he longed for her, he respected and feared her too much to confront her with a situation as awkward as the one which would likely unfold should he pluck up the courage to speak. So as much as it was torturing him...for the sake of the team and their friendship (or whatever there was of it)...he had to remain silent.

But it was a silence that spoke volumes...volumes that hadn't gone unnoticed.

Although he was unaware of it, Cyborg had been regularly exchanging glances between the road and his rear-view mirror...watching Beast Boy's usually chirpy mood deteriorate. Knowing full well what he was thinking about, he let out a shallow sigh of pity.

'BB got it bad,' he thought sadly.

He hated seeing his best friend suffer like that, and wanted desperately to help him. But in the back of his mind, as much as he wanted things to work between Beast Boy and Raven, he knew it would never happen...it couldn't...they were too different. Although he couldn't help but wonder...did Raven even know how deep Beast Boy's feelings ran? Did she even care?

"Anyone for Pizza?"

Both Cyborg and Beast Boy snapped out of their thoughts by the sound of Robin's voice. After a few tired grunts of approval, Cyborg pulled up alongside their regular pizzeria, grabbed their favourite table outside on the second floor, and placed their order. They sipped slowly on their cold drinks while chatting nonchalantly amongst themselves. At least three of them were. Raven sat silently and calmly, content to listen to the conversation...and Beast Boy sat watching Raven.

'She's such a good listener...she's like the calm centre of the world, while everything else around h-'

"Raven?"

The sudden unknown voice caught everyone's attention, and five pairs of eyes turned to glance at the source. He was tall and thin, with medium length black hair that obscured one of his eyes. The other eye had just the slightest hint of eyeshadow, and he wore plain a black T-shirt and black jeans. They all recognised him immediately, even though it had been some time; it was the guy Raven had met at the party Blackfire had taken them to so long ago.

"Hey Derek."

Beast Boy couldn't help but notice Raven's tone was suddenly...a bit...chirpier than normal. As...Derek approached, his lips curled into a small smile, a smile that may have roused suspicion had it not been for the sincerity in his eyes. He stopped a small distance in front of Raven, who stood up to greet him

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Pretty good" she replied with a small smile of her own, "just been doing the usual rounds; beating the bad guys, saving the day..."

"Yeah, I saw that." He said, jabbing a thumb behind his shoulder, "Pretty cool. Hey! That reminds me, did you read through my copy of Neitzche's 'Beyond Good and Evil'?"

"Actually, I finished it a couple of weeks ago...I've been meaning to return it to you but...I guess I've just been kinda busy recently." she reasoned with the slightest flush of embarrassment.

"It's no big deal." he reassured, "Just come down to the coffee shop when you get the time and leave it at the counter."

"Well what are you doing later?"

"I was about to grab a bite to eat then head back to my apartment, check a few mails, write some more..." he cracked another small smile "...the usual rounds."

Raven let out a small chuckle.

"Well if you wanted you could make a stop at the tower this evening...I didn't have any other plans. Besides, you told me you planned on making a visit sometime soon."

Derek wrapped his long, slender fingers around his chin and looked as he thought about her proposal for a brief second.

"I suppose I could...pop over for a spell" he said with a cheeky grin.

Raven chuckled again.

"Good one."

Hearing Raven say that made Beast Boy's heart leap to his throat, remembering the pink, happy Raven from his journey inside her mind. Although she had told him she'd always found him funny, the real Raven would never admit to it. But to hear that from her...did she genuinely like this guy's humor? Did he make her...happy? After saying their goodbyes Derek vanished inside the palor. Raven gracefully reclaimed her seat...with a slight glimmer in her eyes only the sharpest observer would catch once in a blue moon.

"So Raven..." Robin finally spoke, "how long have you two been in touch?"

"Yeah, we all thought you two went your own ways after that warehouse party a couple of years back," Cyborg interjected.

"He works in my favourite coffee shop on the other side of town. We bumped into each other again and we got talking during his lunch break, and we've been friends ever since. We keep in touch via E-mail and online messenger when I don't have time for coffee."

"But I thought...that..." Beast Boy stammered.

"What? Just because I have to meditate every day I don't have a social life?" she replied icily.

Beast Boy looked away feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

"So then Raven, are the two of you...close?" Starfire chirped with her irritating optimism Raven thought.

"No. We're just friends." She replied, narrowing her eyes beneath her hood at the Tamaranian girl, "We swap books mostly."

"Oh." came her disappointed response...that faded as soon as the pizza arrived.

Robin and Cyborg gorged themselves on a huge pizza loaded with various meats while Starfire gorged on her own...specially prepared pizza that the others didn't even want to guess what was on it. Raven and Beast Boy shared a large soy cheese pizza.

'At least that's something we have in common.' Beast Boy thought to himself reassuringly.

He knew Raven never had much of an appetite, and was never one for fanciful foods, so when it came to pizza that often shared. Something Beast Boy had come to cherish, as it was the only time they really did anything together. As they ate, he noticed Raven's eyes began to wander as she chewed absent-mindedly...was she thinking about him? And why did this pizza slice feel like a hand? He noticed Raven snap out of her trance and look at the pizza...first in confusion...then surprise. Beast Boy looked down to see that they had both reached for the same slice and were touching hands. They instantly pulled away and averted their gazes.

"Sorry," they both whispered.

They finished the remainder of their meal in silence without even so much as a glance at one another. Unbeknownst to them, Cyborg had again being taking notice of their behavior. And he was worried.

'Oh man...I gotta say something soon...or people are gonna start gettin' hurt.'

* * *

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Shamandalie**

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**Later at the tower...**

Cyborg stood anxiously outside Raven's door, trying to think of what he was about to say...or more or less how he would say it without incurring the young empath's rage, given her lack of patience for small talk. He realized what he was about to do may be the most foolish thing imaginable, but he couldn't bare to watch Beast Boy suffer like a love-sick puppy. Suddenly, the door slid open and a pair of accusing eyes glared at him from beneath a dark blue hood. He let out a small yelp and jumped back slightly.

"Was there something you wanted?" she asked half irratebly.

"How'd you know I was-?"

"I could hear you whispering."

Cyborg rubbed the back of his neck and blushed slightly. Then he quickly became serious as he focused on the burning issue.

"Raven, can I talk to you? In private? Please?"

Raven immediately noticed the concern in his voice and deduced that this wasn't another one of Cyborg and Beast Boy's reduntant schemes or pranks...this was genuine. She nodded slightly and opened the door wide enough to let him in. Cyborg looked around the room uneasily, remembering what happened the first time he entered Raven's inner sanctum.

"Do you mind if I sat down?" he asked politely, motioning to a nearby chair.

"Of course not."

"Thanks."

Raven sat cross-legged on the edge of her bed while Cyborg pulled a simple wooden chair up a small distance in front of her. He sat down and closed his eye for a few seconds, trying to find the right words.

"I can tell this is something that's bothering you greatly...just take your time." Raven reassured, pulling her hood down.

That made Cyborg relax a little...and then he began.

"Raven...have you noticed anything out of the ordinary about Beast Boy of late?"

"Since when was Beast Boy ever ordinary?"

"I'm serious, Rae."

There was a brief silence as Raven scalded herself for her sarcasm towards her friend when something was clearly wrong.

"No...I haven't noticed anything. Why?"

"Because I have. I've noticed the way he looks at you when he thinks no-one's watching, the way his eyes sparkle when you walk into a room...hell, half the time when I whup his butt on the Gamestation now, it's because he's daydreaming while you're sat reading."

Raven looked at him nervously and shifted uncomfortably on her bed.

"What are you trying to say Cyborg."

"You know what I'm trying to say Raven. Beast Boy...likes you."

"W-well of course he does, we're good friends and-"

"No Rae...I mean he...'likes you'...likes you."

Raven's eyes widened and she stared at her bed sheets, trying to take it all in. Cyborg could have sworn that, even in the dim light and amongst the black glowing object floating around the room, he saw Raven shrink slightly into herself.

"He...he can't...we're complete opposites!"

"Opposites sometimes attract." Cyborg reasoned.

"Can you be absolutely sure?"

"Raven...I know my best friend." he said gently, "And right now, he's in pain. He's in pain because he's too afraid to tell you himself. Deep down I think he knows you two would never work...but I think he's in denial. I may be mostly machine Rae, but I still have a heart...and I know full well what love can do to people. I don't want the team to suffer, but above all else, I don't want to see my friends getting hurt. I thought it would be best if you heard it coming from me rather than from Beast Boy, since we both know he can't handle himself very well when he loses his nerve."

Raven nodded.

"I understand...and I appreciate you doing this Cyborg. Thank you."

He smiled gently.

"What are friends for?"

There was another momentary silence.

"Just answer one thing for me though...just to be certain." he asked grimly.

"I know what you're about to ask...but ask me nonetheless."

Cyborg shuffled onto the edge of his seat and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees.

"Is there any chance at all of you and BB ever hitting it off?"

Raven averted her gaze as she thought long and hard. She tried to imagine any and every possible scenario where she and Beast Boy could wind up as compatible partners. After a while, she closed her eyes and sighed heavily. She looked back to Cyborg.

"I'm sorry, but...I can never see it happening."

Cyborg nodded and sighed sadly.

"Oh man...BB's gonna be crushed...how do I tell him?"

"I'm not sure that would be such a good idea. We've seen him fly off the handle over matters of love before."

Cyborg grimaced as he remembered Terra.

"Yeah...you're right. But I can't just say nothing. He's been beside himself ever since we met Derek this afternoon."

Raven looked at Cyborg like he'd sprouted a second head

"Beast Boy's jealous of Derek?"

"Little guy looked like he was gonna die on the spot when you two were joking around."

"But...we're just friends."

"I know...but remember, BB's part animal...and that animal sees Derek as a threat because he's a lot more compatible with you than he is."

Raven sighed again.

"I can see your point."

"So I can't just stand back and say nothing...I've gotta stop BB from ruining his life."

"I know you mean well Cyborg, but right now, as much as you may not wish to hear this, I think it would be a good idea for now to keep this between ourselves...maybe talk to him at a more...appropriate time."

"How will I know when that time comes?"

"Trust me...you'll know. Now you'll have to excuse me...this has all been very stressful. I need to meditate."

"Sure thing Raven...I'll leave you alone." He said, replacing the chair.

He opened the door and was about to leave.

"Cyborg?"

He turned back once more, noticing Raven's back was now turned to him.

"Yeah?"

"If the worst comes to happen from all of this...tell Beast Boy I never wanted to hurt him."

"You got it Rae."

And with that, he was gone. Raven sighed and ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. She closed her eyes and did her best to concentrate...

"Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos...Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos..."

* * *

**Later that evening...**

The five Titans were indulging in their regular activities within the commons room of Titans Tower; Cyborg and Beast Boy were compeating head-to-head on the Gamestation, Raven was sat in the corner reading one of her books, Starfire was in the kitchen creating some culinary catastrophy, and Robin was sat at the dining table pouring over case files and various newspaper clippings and photographs. Although the room was bustling in what had almost become customary fashion, there was a tension in the air. The Titans weren't used to many visitors...and this one had already stirred up mixed feelings before he'd even stepped through the front door. Although she was calm and subdued, Raven couldn't help but be pleased at the thought of a friend paying a visit...since she had never had many friends outside of the tower. It would be nice to have a...normal friend. As the seconds turned into minutes, the knot forming in Beast Boy's stomach was becoming more apparent, due to his lack of focus on the game and the uncommon tension on his face. He kept reassuring himself that this Derek was just a friend and nothing more...maybe he'd even like the guy. But paranoia continued to gnaw away at the back of his mind...and Cyborg could see it as plain as day. He looked over at his best friend and could tell he was cracking up...and it hurt to watch him come undone before his eyes. But he knew that this wasn't the time. He just nudged him and pretended everything was okay.

"Come on BB, focus dude!"

Beast Boy, having been snapped out of his trance, feigned confidence and bravado.

"Oh, it's on now!" he said half-heartedly.

Just then, the front door sounded and five heads propped up. They checked the security moniter, and surely enough, there stood Derek.

"I'll get it." Raven called over her shoulder, already on her way out of the room.

The four remaining Titans waited anxiously for her to return with her guest. They could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed, until the low hum of the elevator indicated they were on their way back up the tower. Finally, the doors slid open and the two of them emerged.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Derek greeted monotonously.

Robin walked over and shook hands with the teenaged Goth.

"Hey Derek, pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise." he replied sincerely...or as sincere as a monotonous voice could sound.

Before Derek knew what was happening, his vision was obscured by purple clothes, orange skin and big green eyes.

"Greetings new-friend Derek! I am Starfire! Although I am sure Raven has already told you as much."

"Er..." he stammered, looking over at Raven, who was hiding beneath her hood, trying to surpress a chuckle, "...yeah, she's spoken of you on a couple of occassions."

'That's putting it politely.' Raven thought to herself.

Cyborg wandered over with Beast Boy in tow and extended his own hand.

"Yo Derr, what's up?"

He accepted his hand and shook it firmly.

"It's cool...but er, I'd prefer Derek if you please."

"Oh, sure...sorry." Cyborg grinned with the slightest tint of pink in his cheeks.

Beast Boy popped up from behind Cyborg and let out a nervous chuckle.

"Dudes, check it out; heavy metal meets heavy metal."

As if at the drop of a hat, the room went deathly quiet as everyone glared at Beast Boy, who winced and turned away from their stares, knowing his latest attempt at humor had fallen on deaf ears...until he heard a light-hearted chuckle from Derek. Surely enough, when he looked back, everyone else was looking at him in surprise.

"I like that, that was funny."

He looked over at Raven.

"You don't give this guy enough credit."

Raven rolled her eyes and sighed. Just as Beast Boy was about to celebrate his new-found sense of triumph, Starfire shoved a plate of...something under Derek's nose.

"Please new-friend Derek, you must try some of my-"

"That's okay Starfire, there's a pot of tea brewing in my room." Raven interjected, pulling Derek away as quickly as she could through the doors.

"You have a kettle in your room?" Derek whispered.

"Just keep walking." she replied as the doors shut behind them.

The four Titans looked at each other before Starfire lifted her plate.

"Would anyone else care for a taste?"

The three boys turned about sharply and wandered off, whistling nonchalantly to themselves. Starfire sighed and pouted at her creation. She took the spoon and began to chew on a morsal of it...before her face turned an unhealthy shade of green.

* * *

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**Shamandalie**

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada

* * *

**Chapter Three**

The dim lighting of Raven's room served as a perfectly familiar atmosphere for both herself and Derek as they sat in the centre of the floor enthralled in each others' conversation. He was currently holding onto his book that Raven had handed back to him upon entering the room. They had discussed the nature of Nietzsche's works, then moved onto other philosophers such as Marx and Socrates...and Raven had been lapping it all up, since it wasn't often she had a chance to indulge in this sort of conversation. Now that she thought about it...maybe inviting Derek back to the tower was one of the best things she'd done in a long time, since it gave her a chance to finally satisfy some of her own intellectual vices. Although the conversation had now swayed to the mundane topic of work, she nonetheless listened intently to what her friend had to say.

"So Mr. Prichard says a couple more weeks and I'll have earned myself a full seven days of R&R." He let out a disgruntled snort. "The way he drives us we should be given a whole month with pay."

Raven chuckled.

"The place always seems so quiet when I'm around."

"Trust me, you don't see what goes on behind staff doors." he retorted, rolling his eyes, "I don't think he approves of people like me...probably an Elvis fan or something."

"Yeah...he'd probably look convincing in an Elvis costume actually."

"In his twighlight years."

"Of course."

"Yeah...I can see him doing the perfect Elvis impersonation actually."

Raven looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"How so?"

"He'd walk into his apartment; kick the TV set, empty his fridge then die while using the restroom."

They both burst into laughter. Although Raven tried to suppress it, she was failing miserably, given the number of glowing black objects that began to vibrate. It was good to hear some witty humour for once...something she scarcely experienced in the tower.

"I like seeing you smile and laugh...it's something I don't see very often," he said sincerely.

Raven cleared her throat and composed herself.

"Well, you know what would happen if I lost control of myself."

He nodded.

"True, and I can understand that you constantly to meditate everyday to maintain control. But sometimes...it's good to just lose yourself in the moment. I'm not saying make a habit of it, just...once in a blue moon, y'know?"

Raven sat and thought about it for a second, before looking back to him smiling.

"You know what? You're right."

And with that, she took the cushion she was sat on and threw it at him. He looked at her with a sinister smile spread across his lips.

"You'll live to regret that," he said in a mock super-villain voice.

With that said, he proceeded to throw his own cushion at Raven, who dodged effortlessly, with a huge grin spread across her face. Derek sprung forth from his position on the carpet and began to chase her around the room, poking and prodding, making her laugh and squeal...laughter that could be heard throughout the corridors of the tower, had anyone been listening hard enough...and someone could hear them. That someone was Beast Boy. Even from his position on the couch with Cyborg, his highly sensitive ears could pick up the sound of Raven's laughter...and it tore away at him. That should be him making her laugh...it should be him making her happy. But he realized that he stood no chance of that...she found his jokes to be dull, distasteful...even childish. Whereas Derek was on similar par with Raven, although he had already realized this from their first meeting this afternoon...and he had to admit that he made Raven smile, which was a good thing. He'd longed to see her smile and hear her laugh for so long...he just wished it was him making her this...happy.

* * *

**Later...**

Raven and Derek both entered the common room to find the other Titans lounging in front of the TV, channel surfing. Four heads turned to greet them.

"Hey guys! What's up?" Robin called out.

"Er...Derek was just leaving-"

"Oh he simply must join us for our nightly movie," Starfire chirped.

The glanced at each other with some anxiety, before finally conceding.

"Sure, why not?" he agreed.

People shifted aside to make space for the two of them. Raven took a seat beside Robin, while Derek sat between her and Cyborg. The movie was Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves...which made both Raven and Derek sigh, since they both detested what they called 'Hollywood History' movies. Although it was nice to briefly see Brian Blessed, they soon lost any real interest. Then it eventually cut to the scene where Robin and Azeem were fighting Guy of Gisbourne and a small party of his men.

"Interesting how they managed to get from the beaches of Dover to Hadrian's wall in a matter of minutes," Derek interjected.

Raven let out a small chuckle while the others looked at him surprised.

"Really?" Robin asked in amusement.

"Yeah, they really screwed up with their locations. What's even more screwed up is the number of people who genuinely believe that the castle used for the filming is Nottingham castle."

"Seriously?" asked Cyborg.

"If you check the credits at the end, it says 'filmed on location at Bolton castle'. Because Nottingham castle was destroyed during the English Civil War. Only the walls and the old brew house are all that's left of the original building."

"So what's there now?" asked Beast Boy.

"An 18th Century house that's been converted into a museum/art gallery...kind of a shame really."

The movie carried on up until the scene where Guy of Gisbourne had to face the Sheriff and inform him of Robin's return while in the company of women of...ill repute. As one went to dress, the Sheriff scalded her,

"Who told you to cover up?"

"The script," came Derek's sullen reply.

The couch erupted with laughter...even Beast Boy couldn't help but laugh at that one. He started to like this guy; he was genuinely funny. After a few minutes, everyone calmed down enough to speak.

"That was good," Raven chuckled.

"What can I say? I have a natural gift for sarcastic criticism."

"Yeah..." Beast Boy spoke up, "...I can see why you two get along so well," he trailed off.

There was an awkward silence and the two of them blushed slightly.

"It's all for show, really," Derek spoke up with a cheeky smile on his face, "Raven's really a closet prep."

Raven's eyes widened and she slapped him across the back of the head.

"You little...!"

And with that they tumbled over the back of the couch, play-fighting. The other Titans watched in disbelief as Raven revealed this whole new side of herself...openly laughing and playing about. Again, Beast Boy felt that knot in his stomach and his anxiety wash over him, longing to be in Derek's position...and again, Cyborg noticed his friend's plight...and again, he was worried. At least nothing was blowing up though...

* * *

**Later still...**

Raven escorted Derek to the front gate. She handed him a small pile of books as the huge doors ground open slowly.

"Just return these when you're done. I've read them a half dozen times, so I'm in no hurry to have them back."

"Thanks...I really enjoyed being here tonight."

Raven blushed slightly.

"Yeah...it was...nice having you over."

They both smiled at each other sweetly. There was an awkward silence that was only broken by the whispering ocean breeze.

"Well I'd best be going. Goodnight Raven."

"Goodnight."

With that, he turned and left. Raven stood and watched him leave as the doors ground shut again. She sighed happily as she stepped into the elevator, and hummed happily to herself as she ascended the tower. The lift came to a halt and the doors opened, revealing an empty common room, seeing as everyone had gone to bed...at least she thought everyone had, until she went to the kitchen, only to find...

"Cyborg?"

He looked up from his glass of cola and smiled anxiously.

"Hey Rae. Derek gone now?"

"Er, yeah. He's on his was back to his apartment," she said, sitting down beside him at the table.

"That's cool. He seems like a nice guy."

"Yeah, he is."

"So...do you like him?"

"Well yeah, he's a good friend."

"Yeah, but do you 'like him', like him?"

Raven blushed for a split second then began to seriously think about it.

"Actually...yeah, kind of," she finally answered.

He smiled genuinely.

"Well I'm happy for you kid," he said, patting her shoulder gently.

"Thanks," she smiled back.

But then he sighed and frowned.

"This is gonna kill BB."

Raven's smile also faded.

"I know."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence.

"They seemed to get along well enough though...so at least that's something," she reasoned.

"Yeah, I guess. But I think we both know this is gonna be hard for him to swallow...and it'll take him time to heal...if he can. I mean, you remember how busted up he was with Terra."

Raven winced at the memory.

"Do I ever. But that was then...he'd not really matured by then, and had no real experience with feelings and emotions. Hopefully now...he'll be able to cope a little better, once he realizes we're all here to help him."

Cyborg let out a long-drawn sigh.

"I hope you're right. Anyway, it's getting late. We'd best get some sleep."

"You're right. Goodnight Cyborg."

"G'night Rae."

* * *

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Shamandalie**

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada

WARNING: This chapter contains 'Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End' spoilers.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

The late morning sun shone brilliantly through the windows, beaming down on several piles of unwashed clothes and discarded bits of paper and crockery. The resulting heat that would normally be so welcome in all its warmth and radiance only served to intensify the pungent stench of stale sweat and congealed food. But above all this, on the top bunk, laid a troubled Beast Boy, his mind on things other than personal hygiene...he was thinking about the night before...the night when Derek came to the tower. For the first time in a long time, Beast Boy felt afraid...afraid because he knew Derek was a threat to everything that he had been hoping for all this time. He could tell just from the way he and Raven were behaving last night that they seemed like...as much as he hated to admit it...a perfect match. But then he did make her happy...and that's what was important to Beast Boy. He knew Raven had been through so much, and endured some terrible ordeals. So to finally see her genuinely smile was a wonderful sight...he just wished it was him making her smile. But he could hardly blame either of them...nobody was to blame for anything. He couldn't help but be himself anymore than they could help being themselves...it was just the way things were. But apart from that...Derek was a nice guy. He liked him...especially after something he said last night...

-Flashback-

Beast Boy splashed cold water over his face several times, the sharp coolness temporarily refreshing his numbed senses. Watching them play together like that had been almost too much for him to take, so he made an excuse to leave. He looked himself in the mirror...his agonized gaze and his paled complexion told their tale. He dried himself off and opened the door to leave, when Derek stepped around the corner of the darkened corridor.

"Whoops, sorry Beast Boy."

"No problem," he replied half-heartedly.

Derek stopped in his tracks...he knew he was about to say something, but he really didn't want to hear it, so he kept on walking until-

"Beast Boy..."

That stopped the changeling dead in his tracks as a lump rose to his throat.

"Something's wrong, isn't it?"

He knew from his tone that it was more of a statement than a question. He'd figured him out, so there was no point in denying it. Besides, maybe it would do him some good to get his feelings off his chest. He slowly turned to face the tall gothic teen, who looked surprisingly imposing in the shadows.

"It's that obvious, huh?" he retorted with a half smile.

Derek couldn't help but feel pity for him...he knew exactly what was troubling him.

"It's me and Raven, isn't it? That's what's bothering you."

The pained wince on Beast Boy's face confirmed that he'd hit the nail on the head. He sighed and sat up against the wall.

"Pull up a pew," he smiled, tapping the ground next to him.

Beast Boy saw the genuine concern in his eyes and slowly made his way next to Derek and slumped down next to him.

"So how long have you liked her?"

Beast Boy looked up at him in amazement.

"How can you tell these things? Are you a mind-reader?"

"If I was, I wouldn't be working in a coffee shop now, would I?" he smiled.

Beast Boy allowed himself a small chuckle. He cleared his throat and prepared himself to pour his heart out...something he'd been longing to do for a long time...to finally vent his frustrations and have complete release.

"I've...like Raven for a long time now. At first, it was just a crush...but as the years have gone by, it's become something a whole lot more. It's like...I hang onto her every word, even though I barely understand half the time. I'll never pretend to understand because that would be an insult to her intelligence. And her eyes...I could lose myself in her eyes forever. Her hair...her skin...just everything about her is perfect. I'd worship the damn ground she walked on if she would ask me...but I always mess it up. I lose my nerve when I'm around her and I always try to make some stupid joke to try and make her laugh. I know she hates my jokes, but it's all I know how to do...I know I'm never gonna write poetry or publish a novel, but..."

He let out a frustrated sigh, running his hands through his hair.

"And then you come along and, just like that...she's all smiles and giggles. You've achieved in a day what I've tried to achieve for years...and it hurts."

Derek gently put his arm around Beast Boy's shoulders.

"I know it does. And believe me...it wasn't always like this. It took some time...but I had the advantage of common ground, whereas the two of you are like chalk and cheese. I'm not saying that you've been approaching her in the wrong way...just the only way you know how. And believe me...she does admire you for that."

That made his ears perk up.

"Really?"

"Honestly. She thinks a lot more highly of you than you may realize. She'll never admit that to you directly though, that's just the sort of person she is. She's one of those types of people who sings your praises when you're not around. And she has been singing your praises quite a bit recently...I mean, she told me about that whole thing with Malchior..."

Beast Boy inhaled sharply at the mention of...THAT name.

"...and how you were there for her afterwards...and what you said. What you said wasn't poetry, and it didn't come from a book; it came from the heart. And she knew that."

Beast Boy gazed off into some distance as his words sank in.

"I...never realized." He looked back at him. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it," he smiled.

Beast Boy felt his mouth go dry and his hands start to shake at the thought of what he was about to ask.

"I know you're probably gonna think this is typical, but I've gotta ask you, dude."

"Ask away."

"Do you...er...think she umm...likes me? In that way?" his voice got quieter and quieter until he was staring at his shoes blushing furiously.

'Poor guy,' he thought to himself.

There was a momentary silence as he pondered his question. Beast Boy looked to him with a desperate hope shimmering in his eyes.

"In all honesty...I really can't say."

His face and ears fell again.

"But I will say this; don't give up on her, and don't let this eat you up. Because if you let this get to you too much, you'll end up resenting her...and I can tell that's the last thing you want. As long as she knows she has you in her corner as her friend, then she'll be happy. I'm not saying things are set in stone...I can't tell the future. So just hang in there and you never know."

Derek then stood up, stretching to his full height with an invigorating yawn.

"Anyway, I'm gonna get back to the others. You coming?"

"I'll be along in a sec...I've got stuff I need to think about."

"No problem."

He began to walk back to the common room.

"Derek..."

"Yeah?"

"...thanks."

"Anytime."

And with that, he was gone.

-End Flashback-

So the possibility was still there...maybe he still had a chance...there was still some hope for him yet. He turned his head to look out the window and smiled at the glorious sunshine. He hopped down from the bed and strolled happily towards the bathroom; today was gonna be a good day.

* * *

**At that moment...**

Given today's exceptionally hot weather, even the regular crowd at the Moondial Cafe could be forgiven for opting for more...heat friendly attire. Many had opted to sit outside to soak up the sun, wearing a collective of darkly coloured short-sleeved or sleeveless light cottons combined with denim or cotton shorts or summer frocks and dresses. Even Raven had opted for more casual civilian attire, wearing a plain black waist length tube top with string straps, a pair of plain denim shorts and black sandals. She hid her eyes behind a pair of round lens sunglasses to avoid any unwanted attention on her way. She waited patiently for Derek to emerge from inside the cafe, basking in the surrounding calm that was normally hard to come by in Jump City. He finally emerged, carrying a tray of hot and cold beverages and snacks, winding his way around the tables and people with a grace that had come with practice. She watched as he planted their orders in front of them with a small, polite smile, and received compliments in turn. Eventually, he caught sight of Raven and stopped in his tracks, squinting his eyes to decipher if that really her was sat before him...but then, who else did he know with purple hair and incredibly pale skin? He flashed his index finger to signal her to wait for a moment as he quickly went about handing out the last of the orders, before standing in front of her, holding his tray to his stomach with a smile on his face.

"Hey there."

She removed her sunglasses and squinted her eyes slightly, adjusting to the light.

"Hi," she smiled back at him.

"I er...wasn't expecting to see you here...I thought you'd be...y'know...out doing the whole superhero thing."

"Well even us superheroes get to take a break once in a while," she countered.

"Ah, Touché," he retorted, before pulling out a notepad and pen. "So, what can I get you?"

"Just the usual please," she smiled, "and...since I know you get off work early today, what's say we go catch a movie? I've had my heart set on 'Pirates Of The Caribbean 3' for some time."

His smiled broadened.

"I'd like that. But until then..." he quickly scribbled her order down on the notepad. "One herbal tea and croissant coming up."

He turned sharply on his heels and walked off briskly. Raven watched in slight amusement as he disappeared back into the cafe with an extra jig in his step.

* * *

**A couple of hours later...**

Beast Boy was down at the grocery store, carting a trolley full of various food stuffs and household wears. It was his turn to do the shopping today, so he thought he'd surprise everyone by going early, rather than putting it off until the last minute like he usually did. He thought he'd surprise everyone even more by preparing a meal for them that evening. He'd been reading up on recipes for vegan meals and dishes and had been meaning to try his hand at cooking for some time now. As he made his way down the aisles, he politely waved off the attentions of wide-eyed children and adoring teenage female admirers. Although he would normally soak up the attention and revel in the limelight, his mind was on other things. Derek had said Raven...thought highly of him. But if that was the case, why didn't she ever say anything? Why did she instead choose to remain silent and continue to subject him to her usual cold, harsh, piercing sarcasm? Although Derek did say she wasn't the sort of person who'd ever admit anything to him...but that offered him little comfort. All he wanted was the slightest reassurances from time to time...where was the harm in that? Maybe she didn't want to lead him on or give him the wrong idea...but he felt as though she had taken things to the extreme and left him feeling completely alienated. Suddenly, his ears perked at the sound of a familiar song on the radio...a song he hated to admit that he knew, given that it was not to his usual taste. But on top of that, it was so damn depressing. Although now, he thought, giving his current situation, the song had something of a more prophetic feel to it...if all he'd ever hoped for went awry. So as the sound of The Joy Division's 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' echoed through the corridors, Beast Boy allowed the harrowing words to sink in and torment him:

_When routine bites hard, and ambitions are low  
And resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow  
And we're changing our ways, taking different roads  
Then love, love will tear us apart again -- _

_Why is the bedroom so cold? You've turned away on your side  
Is my timing that flawed - our respect run so dry?  
Yet there's still this appeal that we've kept through our lives  
Love, love will tear us apart again -- _

_You cry out in your sleep - all my failings expose  
There's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold  
Just that something so good just can't function no more  
When love, love will tear us apart again --_

Beast Boy felt his heart wrench in his chest by the end of the song. His ears drooped beside his head and he sighed sadly, trying to suppress the tears...what if he was kidding himself? What if he'd just been living in a fantasy world for the last few years? What if everything he'd ever strived to achieve...was all for nothing? His thoughts were cut short when the wall imploded and people began screaming. He ran past the oncoming barrage of panicked bystanders, to see the enormous frame of Mammoth emerge from the cloud of dust and plaster, with a sinister grin spread across his face.

"Attention shoppers," his voiced boomed mockingly, "do not panic; this is a hold-up. Please make your way to the nearest empty sack and leave all your valuables for collection. Failure to comply will result in a world of hurt!" he proclaimed, cracking his knuckles.

He was suddenly side-tackled by a green rhino, which sent him hurtling into a row of shelves, which promptly collapsed on him. After a few split seconds, he burst free with a roar and reared his head wildly, searching for his assailant. When he saw Beast Boy crouched before him, ready to strike, he broke into an arrogant smirk.

"What's this? Kiddie hour? Ha! Where's your back-up, green bean?"

"I don't need them to take you out, chump stain!"

Mammoth snorted.

"Yeah, right! We all know you can't hold your own...especially without your dumb, Goth girlfriend!" he taunted.

That was all Beast Boy could take...with a sadistic flash in his eyes, he began to transform into the Beast and charged a surprised Mammoth.

"What the...!?"

* * *

Derek and Raven sat in the movie theatre, amongst other movie-goers, engrossed in 'Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End'. Thankfully they had managed to avoid public attention, given Raven's casual attire. They'd both laughed at the silliness, and become engrossed in the drama...particularly the current scene, between Tia Dalma and Davy Jones. Even though the two of them had figured it out long before, this scene was the revelation that she had in fact been the woman that Jones had loved, and she was the one who had broken his heart. But Derek couldn't help but make some troubling comparisons between Davy Jones and Beast Boy...both of them had been used and hurt by women (he remembered the stories Raven told him about Terra), and both of them were crippling themselves with their longing desire for love. Watching the scene unfold before them made his stomach knot ever so slightly. Then came a particular moment that really made him feel uneasy...

"And where do your heart lie?"

Davy Jones looked sadly back over his shoulder and replied:

"My heart will always belong to you."

Derek hung his head and sighed to himself, troubling thoughts beginning to swirl in his mind. What if the worst were to happen if he and Raven ended up together? What if Beast Boy sank into complete depression and convinced himself that he would never find anyone else? In short...what if he ended up a bitter and utterly destroyed shell of a man...like Davy Jones? His thoughts were cut short as the next scene began to unfold, with the Pirates confronting the British Armada...

* * *

Mammoth was sure he felt one of his ribs crack as he was thrown through another wall. They had long since left the grocery store far behind, and this...this beast had been tearing him to pieces all over the city. It was hard to believe that beneath this torrent of rage and fury was Beast Boy…his smallest adversary, could pose this much of a threat. When the taste of his own blood hit him, he panicked. This wasn't right…

"Stop!" he pleaded, "You're a hero! You can't do this!"

His words fell on deaf ears as the Beast launched himself at him again and hoisted him above his head. With one swift movement, he was thrown through the back wall of the movie theatre, his head throbbing. He tried to resist the urge to vomit as more blood escaped his mouth. The sounds of cannon fire and dramatic music blared in their ears as Beast Boy flung mammoth onto his back and straddled his stomach, before he began to sink him claws into his face…just as Davy Jones began to rip at Mercer's face with his tentacles. His hands shook with uncontrollable fury as he applied the pressure, threatening to crush his skull. As the screams of both Mammoth and Mercer filled his ears, Beast Boy let out a primal roar…until he heard a loud, sickening crack from the movie which stopped him in his tracks. He morphed back into himself and looked down at Mammoth's torn and disfigured face. He looked down at his bloodied hands.

"What have I done?" he whispered to himself.

He was thankful he'd managed to stop himself before he went too far, but still…he'd gone too far. When he saw the tears fall from Mammoth's eyes, he felt sick…how could he do this? In a panic, he morphed into a gorilla, lifted Mammoth onto his shoulder, and fled from the building.

* * *

Derek and Raven left the movie theatre in amongst the crowd of movie goers, half listening to the banter of those around them. Derek looked down at raven and gave her a light nudge.

"You enjoy it?" he asked smiling.

Raven smiled back half-heatedly.

"Yeah, it was cool, I guess."

Her response troubled Derek.

"Is something wrong?"

She sighed and looked back up at him.

"During the movie…I thought I heard something…and I sensed that something was wrong."

"How do you mean?" he asked, concerned.

Before she could reply, the outside world greeted them with blue and red flashing lights as police were questioning people exiting the cinema.

"What's going on?" Derek asked a young couple in front of them.

"Apparently there was some huge bust-up round the back of the theatre. They've got the whole ally way taped off. They're saying the fight started in some grocery store and they worked their way here."

"Any idea who 'they' were?"

"Your best bet would be to ask the cops."

"Ok, thank you."

With that, they manoeuvred their way through the crowd to the nearest police officer. Raven stepped up front.

"Excuse me, officer?" she asked politely.

The policeman turned to face her and greeted her with a surprised smile.

"Well now, if it isn't Raven of the Teen Titans."

She allowed a small smile and cut to the chase.

"What can you tell me about the incident?"

His face took on a serious look.

"Apparently, Mammoth attacked the grocery store a few blocks away, and then your friend Beast Boy showed up. There was some exchange of words…I dunno what Mammoth said to him but…eyewitnesses say he transformed into some huge beast and began throwing him around like a rag doll."

Raven's eyes widened.

"Where are they now?"

He shrugged sadly.

"Wish we knew. The trail of rubble and debris ended here, but nobody saw anything."

"Ok, thank you officer."

"No problem! Hey, any chance of an autograph for…?"

Before he could finish, she was gone.

* * *

A squad car pulled up at Jump City Police Station and two very disgruntled detectives emerged.

"I can't believe they sent us back from the god damn grocery store! We were there first, and we get relieved just like that!?"

"Just shut up and settle down, you're giving me a…"

They both stopped in their tracks when they saw Mammoth, battered, bruised and bloody, lying in front of the stairs to the main entrance, wrapped up in steel girders. One of them took out their radio.

"Er, sir? You're not gonna believe this…"

* * *

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Shamandalie**

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada...

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Beast Boy lay on his bed, clutching his knees to his chest, his eyes fixated in saucer-wide terror. He couldn't believe he'd just nearly killed someone...nemesis or not. He should have known when to stop, should have controlled himself...but he couldn't...he couldn't physically stop himself. Mammoth had taunted him with regards to his relationship with Raven...and his rage overtook him. He'd flown into a frenzy and beat him within an inch of his life. It was only when he heard bones cracking from the movie that he came back to his senses...but what if he hadn't? What if he'd gone a step too far and...no, he couldn't think like that. He was troubled enough as it was without thinking of the possibility that he could have killed him...but he couldn't stop thinking about it. What kind of a man was he? It was then that he recalled one of the few discussions he'd shared with Raven, and her words rang strongly in his ears:

_"Having that thing inside doesn't make you an animal. Knowing when to let it out is what makes you a man."_

But...what kind of a man was he becoming? How could he expect Raven to trust him now when he was having doubts about himself? His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"BB? You okay?"

"I'm fine, Cy," he lied.

Cyborg opened the door and entered the room, unconvinced by Beast Boy's response. He took one look at his best friend's face and knew something was terribly wrong. He slid the door shut and sat on the bottom bunk, motioning Beast Boy to sit beside him. The changeling reluctantly complied and sat hunched over, bringing his elbows to rest on his knees.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

Beast Boy sighed deeply and cleared his throat.

"You hear about the incident down town today?"

"It's been all over the TV, dude. We still can't believe you whooped Mammoth by yourself.

Beast Boy looked up at him in surprised horror.

"How'd you know it was me!?"

"Come on BB, how many other huge green beasts do we know?" he joked.

Beast Boy blushed slightly and allowed himself a small smile.

"I mean, you really put a hurtin' on the guy..."

"Exactly! I almost killed him Cy! I was so mad and I couldn't stop...!"

"Whoa, whoa, take it easy BB," he reassured, gently putting his hands on his shoulders, "Now let's start from the beginning. How'd it all start?"

Beast Boy ran his hand through his hair and gulped hard, his mouth suddenly going dry.

"I was shopping for groceries...I was planning on cooking a meal for us tonight when Mammoth busts into the store. So I tackled him and he made fun of me and..." he sighed heavily again. He felt so embarrassed to talk about his feelings for his team mate.

"You and who?" asked Cyborg in a kind, gentle voice.

"Me and...Raven. He called her 'my dumb Goth girlfriend'..." his hands clenched into fists and he began to breathe more sharply, "...and I just lost it. I wanted to make him suffer...for all the torment I've been going through. Ever since Derek showed up I've been going crazy with paranoia...but I like him a lot. He's really cool, and he makes Raven happy. But that adds to my frustration; he hasn't known her as long as I have and he's accomplished in a few days what I've tried to do for the past few years. So when Mammoth said that...my mind just exploded and I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to take out all my rage on someone...and I almost killed him. I almost killed someone Cy."

He began to sob and leaned into his best friend, who in turn wrapped his arms around him.

"How can I expect Raven to ever love me if I'm turning into a monster?"

Cyborg sighed heavily, feeling pity for the young shape-shifter. It was bad enough to see him like this over someone he loved...but what made it worse was that Cyborg knew that those feelings weren't mirrored by Raven. And chances were they probably never would be. But he knew that telling him outright would be catastrophic. He knew he had to at least try and prepare him for any negative outcomes...anything to help soften the blow, should it ever come.

"You're not a monster," he started, "you're a Titan. You're one of us. We're your family, and we're all here for you no matter what happens. So you flipped out...we all need to let off steam sometimes. And this isn't the first time you've been hurt by love...and we were all there for you then. I know you don't wanna hear this right now but...even if you and Raven...don't hook up...you'll always be one of her closest friends. I know she doesn't show it often, but she does care about you."

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door.

"Beast Boy?" came Raven's flustered voice.

They both sat up straight. Cyborg went and opened the door and she hurried into his room. She sat next to him and cupped his face in her hands.

"Are you alright? A police Officer told us about the incident down town, and then we saw news reports on the way home. Are you okay?" she asked pleadingly.

Beast Boy gazed half dazed into her eyes. Seeing her sincerity and concern...made him feel warm and fuzzy. He smiled weakly.

"Yeah...I'm okay."

"Next time, call for back-up, okay?"

It was too late; he'd already fallen asleep from exhaustion. Raven gently lay him down on his bunk, and she and Cyborg left him in peace. Derek stood outside, looking concerned.

"Is he okay?"

"He's just tired," she reassured him.

He nodded and they both walked off to the common room. Cyborg watched them walk away with a grimace before looking back to his best friend's bedroom door. This was going to be a lot tougher than he thought.

* * *

**Later...**

The three of them currently occupied the couch, watching some late night movie. Robin and Starfire had long since retired for the evening. They weren't paying any real attention to the movie however, but rather talking amongst themselves...at least Raven and Derek were. Cyborg was listening to both their conversation and the movie, picking up on bits and pieces and joining in once in a while. They heard the doors slide open behind them and the all looked back over the couch to see Beast Boy, looking tired and groggy, walking over to the kitchen. He smiled and waved at his friends.

"Anyone want a soda while I'm here?" he asked politely.

"One here!" Cyborg shouted up.

"Not for me, thanks."

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Ok...er...herbal tea?"

"We just had a pot, thank you Beast Boy," came Raven's response.

"Ok, that's cool," came the slightly disheartened reply.

He brought two cans of soda from the kitchen and handed one to Cyborg, before planting himself beside him on the sofa.

"What're you guys watching?"

"We're not really watching anything," Derek replied.

"Well would you mind if me and Cyborg had a few bouts on the Gamestation?"

"Not at all."

With that said, Beast Boy assembled and fired up the console, and handed one controller to Cyborg, while taking the other for himself. Derek and Raven excused themselves and took their dishes to the kitchen. Cyborg moved up the couch to occupy the spare space on the couch, as the two of them began to battle it out. After a few games, Beast Boy had noticed that Raven and Derek hadn't come back. He made a quick scan of the room and saw them sat at the small table that Raven normally occupied for reading. They were chatting to each other with sweet smiles on their faces, sitting quite closely to one another. His heart began to race, but he tried to think nothing of it, turning back to his game. He found he couldn't concentrate however, as the question of whether or not they were officially...together burned in his mind. He looked back and saw Raven...resting her head on his shoulder...her knee resting on his leg...both of them looking very comfortable in each other's company. Beast Boy couldn't stand the tension anymore. At the next selection screen, he leaned over to Cyborg, motioning him to lean closer.

"Are they a couple?" he asked nervously.

Cyborg swallowed hard and closed his eyes...this was the moment he had been afraid of...telling him the truth. He turned to face him and replied:

"Nothing official as of yet, but she's admitted that she 'really likes' him."

Beast Boy turned pale and his ears fell to his shoulders...his eyes wide with horror, gazing into nothingness. He felt like someone had just torn his guts out and his mind had gone completely numb...everything he'd ever hoped for and dreamt of was crumbling apart before his eyes, and he could do nothing about it. He just sat as Cyborg's words sank in and he felt his heart wrench and churn within his chest. Cyborg looked over at his best friend sadly. Even though he knew this was going to be the most likely outcome...nothing could have prepared him for his reaction. But he deserved to know the truth...no matter how much it hurt. They heard Derek and Raven stretch and yawn, and they both looked over as they stood up.

"Okay, I've gotta get going before I get too comfortable and fall asleep," Derek joked. "I've gotta be up for work in the morning."

"Yeah, I'd best get some sleep too," Raven said, nodding politely to all three of them. "G'night."

And with that, she was gone.

"I'll see you out the door Derek." Cyborg chipped in, "I can lock down the tower while I'm down there."

"Okay, cool. Bye Beast Boy."

"Bye."

Beast Boy managed to smile weakly at him before turning his attention back to the TV. Cyborg and Derek both entered the lift and began their decent to the ground floor. Once there, they both made their way to the main entrance and Cyborg opened the door.

"So I'll be seeing you guys soon then." Derek smiled.

Cyborg smiled back.

"No doubt about it. You and Raven seem to be hitting it off pretty well."

He blushed slightly.

"We're just close friends for now."

Cyborg nodded, before letting out a sigh.

"I'm worried about BB though...I don't think he's taking this too well."

Derek looked concerned for the young changeling.

"I feel bad about hurting the little guy's feelings."

"I know. Don't worry, I'll talk to him."

The smile returned to Derek's face.

"Thanks Cyborg. Well, g'night."

"Night."

With that said he left through the doors and began a brisk walk into the night. Cyborg shut the door behind him, before turning his attention to the tower's security system. He placed his palm against a panel to initiate the security system, briefly scanning his eyes over all the monitors...until he saw the common room's screen, and saw Beast Boy curled up on the couch, his face buried into the cushions. He activated the sound, and his ears were greeted by heart-broken sobs and mournful wailing, his hands clenching the cushions fiercely into his face as he let out agonized screams. Cyborg shut off the sound and averted his gaze as a single tear trickled from his human eye. He remembered Raven's words from yesterday:

_"Maybe talk to him at a more...appropriate time."_

_"How will I know when that time comes?"_

_"Trust me...you'll know."_

He figured that right now was about as appropriate as you could get. So with a heavy sigh, he switched off the monitors and tried to compose himself...he had to be strong for Beast Boy; his best friend needed him now more than ever. He made his way to the elevator and braced himself for the sight that awaited him. When the lift doors opened, the atmosphere made him feel numb. He slowly walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a can of coke and a chair, before making his way over to the young changeling. He planted the chair down in front of him, opened his can and took a swig. He noticed Beast Boy's blood-shot eyes hadn't shifted at all. There was a long, uncomfortable, suffocating silence between them that bordered on unbearable, until Beast Boy made a weak attempt to clear his throat.

"Everything..." he began in a weak, cracked and wavy voice, "...everything that I've done...has all been for nothing."

His lips quivered, his body wracking with silent sobs.

"If only I'd...said something sooner..."

"It wouldn't have changed a thing," Cyborg cut him off in as gentle a voice as he could. "She's only ever seen you as a friend BB, nothing more."

His eyes finally shifted to him.

"How do you know?" he asked weakly.

"Because she told me so herself yesterday. We had a talk after the battle, and I told her how you felt about her." He braced himself for his reaction.

Beast Boy shifted himself slightly so that he could face Cyborg directly.

"How do you know how I feel?" he asked bitterly.

"BB...you're my best friend; I can read you like a book. Don't think I haven't noticed the way you act when she's around...I know love when I see it. I know you're crazy about Raven, but you gotta understand that she doesn't feel the same way...and I honestly don't think she will. I know you don't wanna hear this, but I'm telling you because I care, and I don't want to see anymore people get hurt. I hate to say it, but you've been clutchin' at straws all this time, hanging desperately onto something that wasn't there. And if you continue pursuing the path that you are, you're most likely to end up losing her altogether...and I know that's the last thing you want, isn't it?"

Beast Boy nodded weakly, fresh tears welling up in his eyes.

"But...the hope that she'd someday feel the same way is what's been keeping me going."

"I know," he sighed, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, "but it's also destroying you from the inside out. So for your sake as much as Raven's...you need to let go of those feelings, or you could lose everything. Besides, I thought you would have been pleased to see Raven so happy."

"I am happy for them," his lip quivered and he began to cry, "but it just hurts so much. I'm glad she's found someone and she's happy...but I just wish it was me!"

Cyborg pulled him up into his chest and held him in his strong arms, trying his best to soothe him...it was times like these he really hates having robotic limbs.

"All I want..." he sobbed into his shoulder, "...is the chance to hold her in my arms...protect her from all the monsters in the world...show her how much I care."

"I think she knows BB. And she does care for you...you should be honoured that she considers you one of her closest friends...and you should cherish what you have with her."

Beast Boy stopped crying and nodded weakly.

"I think I need to talk to her...clear everything up."

Cyborg pulled away from him and held his shoulders firmly.

"Not until tomorrow. You're in no condition to see her now." he reasoned.

Beast Boy nodded weakly and lay back down on the couch.

"Anything else I can do for you?" he asked sincerely.

Beast Boy closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

"Just leave me with what I have left of my dignity," he said sadly.

Cyborg nodded and stood. He grabbed the chair and returned it to the kitchen. He switched off the lights at the door and looked back over his shoulder.

"Raven asked me to tell you something...if this kind of situation happened. She never wanted to hurt you in any way...just so you know."

With that, he shut the door behind him, leaving Beast Boy to stare at the night sky, the stars that he someday hoped to gaze upon when holding Raven in his arms...now realizing that it would never come to pass...as well as all his other hopes and dreams. He was too weary to cry anymore, so he just closed his eyes, falling into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**Shamandalie**

By Trollhammer

Guest chapter written by: Tex Murphy

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada...

* * *

**Chapter Six**

The heat of the morning sun fell upon the changeling, stirring his senses. "Just five minutes more," he burbled in a half waking stupor as he turned his back to the light, intent on returning to half forgotten dreams of wealth and women. "Aaah," he exhaled, floating through a moment of blissful naivety.

The longer he lay, the more questions formed in his mind about his situation. Firstly, why had he not closed his curtains when he had gone to bed like usual? Secondly, why was his bed so much less comfortable than he remembered it, and thirdly, why was there the suspicious smell of Cyborg drifting through his nostrils?

"Oh, dude!" he exclaimed as he sat upright, the answers having made themselves apparent. Not only had he fell asleep on the couch, but he'd managed to fall on the one spot where Cyborg had been sitting. "That's nasty," he moaned as he wafted his hand in front of his face. His face and Cyborg's butt meeting indirectly aside, it wasn't immediately obvious why he had fallen asleep where he had. That ignorance lasted the entire three seconds it took his memory to kick start.

"Raven."

* * *

"But I do not understand," said Starfire, looking puzzled. "If Beast Boy likes Raven, why does he not simply say this to her?"

"No, no, it's not as simple as that," explained Cyborg. "He knows she doesn't like him in return."

"Oh. So, then, she has said this to him?" she asked with a hopeful glint in her eye.

"Not exactly. I asked her what she felt about him and she told me."

"Oh," she acknowledged a little more cautiously, anticipating a further misunderstanding. "So… you are performing the role of the intermediary?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "Sounds about right."

"I sense you are deriving little pleasure from this role."

"I just don't like to be the one to deliver bad news. He must feel like the whole world is falling apart right now."

Taking a sharp intake of breath, Starfire eyed Cyborg carefully. "But… it is not, I hope?"

"Wh… no. I just meant he's in a really bad place now." She gave another uncertain look. "Emotionally," he clarified. "I just wish there was something I could do to make him feel better."

"Hmm," she pondered, raising a finger to her chin. "How might you normally raise his mood? A new movie of the horrifying variety? A selection of finely prepared vegetarian foodstuffs?"

Shaking his head wearily, Cyborg said, "I think it's gonna take more than that this time."

* * *

Raven paced uneasily back and forth in her room. Normally meditation would be her solution to periods of stress, but somehow the knot that had formed in her stomach was making it difficult to do so.

She halted and sat down on the foot of her bed. If only she could fathom the source of her anxieties it might help, but the more she considered it, the further away an answer seemed to be. Was it pity for hurting Beast Boy or that almost giddy feeling that came from finding someone special and having that person feel the same way? It didn't help that these feelings were also wrapped in the dulling layer she wrapped around any emotion stronger than mild indifference. To neither deny them nor fully embrace them served only to exacerbate the situation. It was an internal conflict and she knew how they usually ended. "You'll be going first," she warned the alarm clock.

She was jolted from her thoughts by a sharp knocking at her door. At once she had deciphered it was Robin; the knocking bore no element of reserve as it surely would for one of the others in this situation.

"Raven?" came the muffled voice.

"Sorry," she said, approaching the door. She slid it open to see the familiar figure of the team leader. His face said he wasn't here for small talk. "Come in."

"I guess you know why I'm here," he said solemnly.

"I think so," she replied. As she had figured already, he probably wanted to talk to her about Beast Boy's recent actions. But that presented one rather obvious question. "Why not talk to him?"

Robin grunted and looked down momentarily, as if conceding her point. "I intend to…"

"But…"

"But I want to know what's going through his head first." A raised eyebrow prompted his further explanation. "We can both agree that he's not been himself lately… and I've been hearing some things from people…"

"What kind of things?" Not that he didn't have a right to know, but she wanted to be sure he had the correct version of events.

"Frankly, his feelings for you have been the subject of quite a few rumours of late." He paused to study her reaction, which he could only describe as 'muted'. "I can appreciate a laugh and a joke, just like you guys. At the right times. It's just…"

"A time and a place?" she suggested.

"Yeah," he nodded. "This light behaviour is fine by me. We are friends after all," he shrugged, "but on this occasion…"

"…it went too far?"

"Yeah," he nodded again. "I didn't really want to get too involved in his personal matters, but I'm going to have to now. I just really need to get a handle on the whole situation first. That's why I came to you."

"Cyborg might be a better choice," she stated, not finding the idea of probing her current emotions particularly appealing. "They're best friends after all."

"I will. Later. For now, I'm talking to you."

She took a deep breath and ordered the events of the past several days in her mind. "What do you want to know?"

"I want to know when Beast Boy lost control."

* * *

"Table three," croaked a grizzled, aged voice from inside the well frequented coffee house.

"Gotcha," replied Derek, whose voice and appearance suggested that sleep and he had experienced a recent difference of opinion. He shielded his eyes as he made his way to the table in question. The glaring sunlight did not aid his efforts.

"Can I help you?" asked a young, smartly dressed man. Not quite the typical customer mulled Derek as his eyes wandered over his impeccable hair. That must have taken hours.

"Uh, I was just told…" began Derek.

"If you had that latte I ordered ten minutes ago, I might have a cause to talk to you."

"Ah right," he clicked. "Gotcha." It was going to be a long day.

He strolled inside, having already decided to dedicate as little energy to today's duties as he could get away with.

"This for table three," repeated a now somewhat annoyed older man.

"Roger that, Mr. Pritchard," acknowledged Derek as he picked up the tray. He knew the boss didn't like his occasionally laissez faire attitude on days like this, but they both knew he more than made up for it when he was on his game.

"Thanks," nodded the young man as Derek placed the drink on the table with a practised finesse.

"Enjoy," he said under his breath before making a speedy yet smooth departure. There was going to be a complaint. How did he know? "I'm just an underappreciated genius," he muttered to himself. Also he had the inside track on the drink's temperature.

"Waiter," called a flattened and somewhat familiar voice from nearby, cutting into Derek's chain of thought.

"Hey," he greeted, having identified the green looking customer. "Beast boy, how's it going?"

"Not good," he mumbled, his eyes looking only down.

"Hard time eh? Well, there's a bar just across the street…"

"No, I'm not here for coffee." He lifted his face to meet Derek's. "Can we talk?"

"Hmm," said Derek, attempting to use an amusing inflection to raise the mood, "might just get me fired."

"Oh, no, then I can wait…"

Derek gave a wink and turned toward the entrance. "Mr. Pritchard, I'm going on my break now."

"No way! You already had-"

"So anyway, BB, you don't look too good," he continued, choosing to sit and ignore the half baked threats of salary reduction.

"I'm not feeling good," said Beast Boy with a deep sigh.

"Look," began Derek, launching into the speech he had obviously been practising in front of any mirror that would accept it. "Me and Raven. Well, it's… I mean we're … well, not just friends as such. I suppose you might describe us as…"

"It's okay," interrupted Beast Boy with a forgiving tone. "I mean, it's not okay. Not that you can't do what you like. It's your lives after all. Not that I like it…"

"Hm, our babbling dwarves all other babbling," noted Derek with a false pride. This also served to rescue Beast Boy, and incidentally himself, from a few minutes of awkward conversation. "So I get that you're not cool with it, but you're cool with it."

Beast Boy pondered that for several seconds. It didn't make sense, and yet it did. "Okay, I think my brain's at its limit," he groaned wearily.

"Okay then. Er, let's say that you don't like it, but you'll live with it because seeing Raven happy was really your number one priority all along." Figures I'd get back on my game just after my third break of the day, he thought.

Beast Boy allowed himself a smile. It was small and shy, but it said more than his words could have achieved. "You're alright Derek, you know?"

"Hey baby, I know it," he joked.

Beast Boy grinned openly.

"But… I do presume you came here for a reason other than to flirt with me, eh?"

Beast Boy gave a momentary look of horror at the suggestion before recalling his original thoughts. "Yeah, actually there was," he said, shifting his eyes back to the table. "Did you… hear about me and Mammoth?"

"Err… no," Derek lied, and rather badly. Raven had called him up the previous evening in something of a state over the whole ordeal. That conversation had gone long into the night, hence his lack of sleep. At least he could say he pretty much knew the whole situation though. "Alright alright," he said as if he had been busted, "Raven told me."

"…she did?"

Derek made the careful facial gestures of a man who was saying something he probably shouldn't. "She called me up last night to talk about it. She sounded pretty upset about the whole thing."

Beast Boy displayed an initial excitement on hearing that news, but that faded fast. Now even Derek knew what an animal he had been. Would he judge him too? "So… I guess you're not too happy about talking to me then."

"What you did was stupid, and an abuse of your powers," Derek said flatly. Then his face softened somewhat. "I felt I needed to say that, just so we're clear on how I feel about the whole thing."

Beast Boy hung his head guiltily. "I guess."

"But on the other side, he was injured while robbing that place. Being on the wrong side of the law does have its pitfalls. Also, I hear he'll get better."

"That doesn't make me feel much better…"

"No. I suppose it shouldn't." Beast Boy dare not raise his eyes to Derek's, clearly unable to justify his actions even to himself. "But… I've said my piece. I don't know if you consider me a friend yet, Beast Boy, but I'd put you into that category. Yes, you've done something I don't condone, but you came to me to talk, and I intend to listen."

Somewhat comforted by those words, Beast Boy raised his head slightly, to see the softened expression on Derek's face. "Thanks Derek."

He smiled. "So… go ahead."

"Okay, well, basically I'm kinda worried about what everyone's thinking."

"Well, you know what Raven's thinking," Derek added supportively.

"Actually I'm most worried about Robin. I don't know if I can face him yet, especially if I don't have an explanation for him."

"Think he's going to kick you out?"

"Well, I wasn't…" stuttered Beast Boy, somehow not expecting directness akin to Raven's here. "…yeah."

"Yup," said Derek, sitting back and crossing his arms across his chest. "Robin is a tough cookie, but you have things going in your favour."

"Oh?"

"Sure. Firstly, Raven's on your side. We all know she's the most powerful one," he said with a knowing wink. "Same with Cyborg. Secondly, you didn't lose it so far as to kill anyone. I'm guessing he's going to view you as not beyond that point of no return."

"You mean… you think he'll be okay with it?"

"Well," said Derek, squinting slightly. "Not 'okay' exactly. I mean, I don't know him all that well, but my guess would be you're in for some serious lecturing and probably some punishment."

"Hm," pondered Beast Boy with a hand on his chin. "You know, somehow I'm glad you're on our side."

"Oh I'm not," quipped Derek, "but I currently occupy the highest position for humanity, so there's nothing left for me to fight you 'good guys' for."

Beast Boy grinned.

"But, you know, I'm not going to be the toughest conversation you have in all of this. Still have to talk to my g… that… her."

"Yeah," nodded Beast Boy in response. "Any idea what I should say?"

"I would start with this…"

* * *

"Have you ever done anything crazy for someone you cared about?"

"That's a ridiculous question and you know it," growled Robin.

"Never beaten one of our enemies to within an inch of their life?"

Robin declined to answer. He knew what her point was, but this was an entirely different situation.

"I don't want to bring this up, Robin, but it can't be one standard for you and another for him."

"That was different," he responded in a lowered voice. "That was important."

Raven sighed and made her way over to the bed. "I'm not defending him, but we've all done things we regret."

Robin grumbled and traced a finger around his mask. "I just … thought he had that side of him under control." Raven nodded slowly. She had been there, after all. "I want to be able to say I trust him entirely, but right now I'm not sure if even he fully trusts himself."

"No," she agreed soberly. There was no question for her that it would be a difficult confrontation. "So… what are you going to say to him?"

"I don't know exactly. Part of me wants to tell him how stupid he was, while another part wants to let him know we're all here for him, no matter what he's going through. Lecturing him isn't going to help him very much… but maybe that's what he needs from me right now. I just don't think I'm in a position to offer him much guidance right now. I think…" he looked in her direction, "you'd have better luck with that."

"I'd like to say I disagree… but I can't."

"You helped him control himself before."

"I'm also the reason that control broke down," she argued in a moment of bitterness.

"I know you'd rather not, and I'd rather none of this happened, but it did and now you're the only one who can truly help BB through this. You have to talk to him."

"…I know."

* * *

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**Shamandalie**

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada.

Another word of thanks to TexMurphy for the last chapter.

A quick apology for the lateness of this post. My proof-reader, the aforementioned author, recently moved house, and had no internet access for a long while. Also, I was away for a week's holiday in Sweden at the beginning of the month. Now, on with the final chapter.

Song: 'Shamandalie' by Sonata Arctica. Taken from the album 'Reckoning Night'.

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

Beast Boy stood in the ascending elevator, watching the display. As the floors passed by, he found his anxiety rising. Although he tried, he found it impossible to steady his nerves. The many troubled recent events were finally coming to a head, and he had to answer for what he had done. As if facing Raven wasn't daunting enough, there was also Robin. He wasn't sure who he'd rather face. Robin would be the stricter, but the feelings he'd have to discuss so openly with Raven… there was no easy way out of this one.

"I know what you're thinking," chimed in a familiar voice.

"Yeah, I know," he smiled gently. "I appreciate that you're here for me. Now more than ever."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Actually, I was talking about the smell. You really shouldn't do that when there are other people in the lift."

"Hey!" He was about to respond with something equally witty when the elevator pinged, signalling their arrival. The door hissed open to reveal the large viewing screen active. Someone was channel hopping. As they stepped out, Robin's head bobbed up from the couch.

"Beast Boy...we need to talk," he stated firmly, muting the sound.

Beast Boy felt a lump in his throat as he swallowed hard.

"Okay," he almost whispered.

He and Derek slowly approached the couch, his head hung low, wondering if this is how all death row inmates felt taking their last steps down the green mile. He briefly looked up to look at the TV screen and noticed the channel Robin had stopped on was playing 'Spiderman'. His thoughts turned to times gone by when all of his friends would have been watching that movie, rather than this. But he had to answer for his actions.

He sat a little distance away from Robin, Derek beside him.

"No offence Derek," Robin began, "but this...doesn't really concern you."

Derek looked at Robin in all seriousness. "I'm pretty much central to everything that's happened over the last couple of days Robin...and I'm partially responsible for Beast Boy's current state of mind. So I think this concerns me entirely. And I'm here for moral support...it's the least I can do for him after all."

"Okay, fine," he agreed after a moment's thought.

He swivelled himself slightly on the couch so he could face Beast Boy, who was just staring at the carpet.

"Beast Boy… I just don't understand what you were thinking…" he said in a concerned yet serious manner.

"I wasn't..." he barely whispered.

"You of all people should know better than to lose control and abuse your powers like that! What if you hadn't stopped? What if you'd gone further and…" he paused to reflect on what might have been. "I'd have had no choice but to put you in jail…"

Beast Boy tried to hide his face from the two of them as his eyes welled up with tears, but his voice betrayed him. "I know..."

"But he didn't." Derek butted in.

"That's besides the point Derek. It doesn't excuse what he did."

"I'm not saying it does, but he brought himself back from the brink...so it's not like he's a lost cause," he countered.

Robin sighed and thought about what Derek was saying for a second. "I know… but it's serious. It's not something you can take back. I need to know why. I need to know you're not going to lose it."

The group look up as Cyborg and Starfire entered the room, chatting away to each other. Seeing the set up, they rushed over.

"Beast Boy!" Starfire exclaimed, gently hugging his shoulders before looking him over. "You are alright, yes?"

"Everything's cool BB..." Cyborg began, looking over his shoulder to see Raven stood nervously in the doorway, "...your friends are here now."

"Help us to understand why you reacted the way you did Beast Boy, so we can help you take steps to avoid doing it again," Robin reasoned. He shuffled over and put his hand on his shoulder. "Please."

Beast Boy lifted his head slowly, looking up at Robin, then around to his other friends. He cleared his throat and his eyes shifted from here to there, as he pieced together his words.

"I...I wanted him to suffer...just like I've been suffering. He goaded me on with that 'dumb Goth girlfriend' line and it just brought everything back to the surface. All my fears of my dreams being broken, all my paranoia, all my grief and anxiety...everything that I've felt and been through over the last couple of days...hell, the last couple of years. And all of that frustration and heartache that came with it...I just wanted him to feel all my anger and all my pain..." he put his head in his hands and took in a sharp breath, "I just couldn't take anymore...and then to hear about Raven, the woman I love, falling for Derek..." the tears welled up in his eyes, "I think I'm losing my mind!"

"Beast Boy..." Raven began, walking briskly forward, "we never meant to..."

Beast Boy stood up and looked around to see her. When he saw her, she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Raven..."

All the Titans turned to look at Raven, and Robin accidentally placed his hand on the remote, un-muting the TV...just as Peter Parker told Mary Jane Watson:

"He asked me what I thought about you."

While Robin fumbled desperately with the remote, the Titans' gazes shifted between the TV, Beast Boy and Raven who had locked eyes with each other. Beast Boy knew this scene off by heart...and secretly hoped that someday he may find Raven and himself in a similar situation.

"The great thing about M.J. is...when you look in her eyes...and she's looking back in yours...everything feels...not quite normal. Because you feel...stronger...and weaker at the same time. You feel excited...and at the same time...terrified. The truth is...you don't know what to feel...except you know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've...reached the unreachable...and you weren't ready for it."

The silence that followed was unbearable, yet nobody dare say a word...until Beast Boy began to sob openly and collapsed onto the couch in an uncontrollable fit of tears. They all looked back at Raven, who had tears in her eyes...before she slowly turned and left the room. Starfire sat next to the changeling and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a gentle embrace. She stroked his hair softly as he sobbed into her shoulder, his arms clutching to her for dear life. Derek and Cyborg looked at Robin, who had something of a guilty expression on his face.

"I'm...I'm sorry Beast Boy. I shouldn't have been so harsh with you..."

Beast Boy's sobs slowly subsided and he gently broke away from Starfire's arms. He turned to face Robin, he emerald eyes bloodshot and his face stained with tears.

"You were only doing what you had to," he replied weakly.

Robin looked away and sighed.

"Look..." he began in a gentler tone, "I know that you're hurting right now, so I'm going to make my point as nicely as I can, okay?"

"That's a task in itself." Cyborg joked, trying to lighten the mood.

There were a few chuckles before Robin began.

"If we all abused our powers every time we were going through a hard time, we wouldn't be heroes anymore Beast Boy...we'd become one of two things; vigilantes, or criminals ourselves. No matter which it is both are seen to be as bad as each other in the eyes of the law. That's the line we all have to try our hardest not to cross...and you almost did. Now we're all here to help you in anyway we can Beast Boy...we'll help you get through this rough patch. But you need to promise me that this will never happen again; you need to regain control...and we'll help you do that if you need us."

Beast Boy looked at Robin, then around to the others who were all smiling at him. He nodded solemnly.

"I promise...I promise it'll never happen again...I'll stay in control...I swear it."

Robin nodded and patted him on the shoulder.

"Glad to hear it. You do realize though that I'll need to punish you though...but later. We've got other issues to resolve first."

Everyone nodded. Cyborg leaned in and put his hands on Beast Boy's shoulders.

"I know it hurts little guy...but you gotta come to terms with the fact that Derek and Raven are an item."

"Er, actually...we're not as such." Derek intervened shyly.

The others turned and stared at him.

"You mean you guys aren't dating?" Cyborg asked incredulously.

Derek turned away, embarrassed.

"No...we are ready to take our relationship to the next level...but it's not as simple as that. I'm...scared."

"Of what?" asked Beast Boy, concerned.

"I'm scared of hurting her...I'm scared that I'll somehow end up hurting her like she's been hurt in the past. I'm scared that we'll end up fighting over something really dumb and I'd lose her as a friend and a partner," he looked up at Beast Boy, "And aside from all that Beast Boy, I don't wanna hurt you anymore than I already have, no matter how inadvertently. Because I know you still love her."

Beast Boy looked away, taking in everything he just said...he was offering to spare him the pain of having to watch Raven live out her life with another man...only a true friend would do something so noble. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Dude...don't worry about me," he finally said, staring directly at him, "I appreciate that you wanna spare me from more pain...but I know how much Raven likes you. It would be selfish of me to deny her of that happiness. Yes it'll still hurt, yes it'll take me time to get over this...but that's my problem to deal with. And with my friends here to help me it'll be a lot easier. All I want is Raven to be happy...and you make her happy. And if you guys get into a fight, big deal! Couples fight all the time! But if you two care about each other as much as I suspect you do, you'll both pull through. Besides, you'll both have us to help you if things get tough."

Derek stared back at Beast Boy, completely dumbstruck.

"Th-thank you Beast Boy."

"Now go to her...and tell her how you feel. Go with my blessing. Just promise me one thing Derek..."

"Anything."

"Promise me you'll do everything you can to make her happy...make her happy the way I never could."

"I promise...I'll do my best. Thank you for being so understanding," he smiled.

"What kind of a friend would I be if I didn't? Now go to her...she needs you."

Derek nodded and in a flash, he was running down the corridor towards Raven's room. Robin put his arm around Beast Boy's shoulders.

"You did a very honourable thing there Beast Boy...I'm proud of you."

"We all are," Cyborg cut in.

Beast Boy smiled and nodded.

"I just hope things go well between her and Derek right now."

"Well give them a few minutes to talk and then go see for yourself...you and Raven still need to clear the air."

Beast Boy nodded and sighed uneasily...this was going to be the longest wait of his life.

* * *

**Ten minutes later**

Beast Boy made his way down the corridors of the tower, heading towards Raven's room. Robin and contacted her before hand to announce he was on his way, so he was to be expected. As Beast Boy rounded the final corner, he saw Derek standing outside her doorway, a warm smile on his face.

"Hey."

"Hey," Beast Boy smiled back, "how'd it go?"

"Things went well. We had a talk and...all's well."

"So are you two officially...?"

"Yeah."

The two of them shook hands.

"Congratulations dude."

"Thanks. Really. Now you guys still need to talk. Just one thing before you go in..."

He reached into his pocket and produced a blank CD.

"There's only one song on it...I thought it would help."

Beast Boy smiled again, putting it in his own pocket.

"Thanks."

And with that, he took a deep breath, mustered all his courage, and knocked on the door softly.

"Raven?"

"Come in," came her muffled reply.

Beast Boy slid the door open wide enough to allow himself in. Raven was sat on the edge of her bed. She had her hood up, so Beast Boy couldn't make out her expression. He briskly walked over to where she was sat. He motioned to the bed.

"Can I sit down, please?"

"Of course," came her polite, albeit monotonous response.

Beast Boy sat down next to Raven, resting his elbows on his thighs, letting out a long drawn sigh...this was tougher than he thought it would be. He finally sat up straight and looked directly at Raven.

"Look, Raven...I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For the way I've been these last couple of days. In fact...I'm sorry for the way I've been period. All I want is to make you happy...to show you how much I care about you...and I just keep screwing it up. I always end up make you mad and hating me. But I've always acted the way I have done because when I'm around you I always lose my nerve and I don't know what else to do but act the clown. But what I've really wanted to do for all this time is tell you how much I loved you..."

He looked away, feeling his eyes well up with tears.

"Not that it would have made a difference. If anything you'd end up distancing yourself further from me, if not entirely...I know that now. But I've loved you for so long because...because you're everything I wish I was. You're stronger than me...you're smarter than me...and you're braver than me. You never back down from anyone...or anything. Yet at the same time, I know that deep down you're as vulnerable as anyone of us, and I wanted to try and protect you from all the bad things in the world, as well as the demons you have to fight every day. But I've always been afraid to tell you the truth. But you know the truth now anyway...and it doesn't matter. Because I know you love Derek, and I just wanted to say...I am happy for the both of you...and I'll back the two of you up no matter what..." he buried his face in his hands as he began to sob, "but it still hurts...it hurts so much."

Raven lowered her hood and looked down sadly at the changeling. She shuffled over to him and gently rubbed her hands across his shoulders and his back, trying to soothe him.

"Sshhh...ssssshhhh...come on now," she whispered softly, "I know it hurts...and I'll be here to help you through it, along with the others."

She took his left hand in hers.

"Look at me."

Beast Boy lifted his head and looked at Raven sadly.

"I really appreciate what you're doing for us Beast Boy...what you're doing for me. But you're wrong about one thing. Well a couple of things actually..."

Beast Boy gave her a questioning look.

"When my father destroyed the world, I let him do it. I was too afraid to try and stop him. But you never gave up...you never backed down from him...you were stronger than me. And you've done the one thing most people would never or could ever do; you've shown that you love me so much that you've sacrificed your own happiness for the sake of mine...and in my books that makes you a lot braver than me."

Beast Boy smiled and nodded.

"But I'll always be smarter than you, without question," she joked.

They both giggled. Raven cupped his face in her hand.

"I love seeing you smile again," she said sincerely.

"And I love seeing you this happy."

"Come here you big dope."

And with that, they shared a hug that made Beast Boy's spirit soar. And the love felt between the two of them wasn't passionate...but it was something just as special; the love that true friends feel for one another…like a sibling that the other never had. Raven pulled away when she saw something round sticking out of the side of Beast Boy's hip.

"What's that?"

Beast boy looked down and pulled the CD from his pocket.

"Derek gave me this...said he thought it would help."

"Let's hear it then," she smiled.

Beast Boy got up and put the CD in Raven's stereo system. He pressed play and sat back down beside Raven. The room was filled with the sound of a beautifully played and stirring piano intro. Raven held onto Beast Boy's hand gently as the song began;

_In good old times, remember my friend  
Moon was so bright and so close to us, sometimes_

_We were still blind and deaf, what a bliss?  
Painting the world of our own, for our own eyes, now? _

_"Can we ever have what we had then?  
Friendship unbreakable  
Love means nothing to me  
Without blinking an eye  
I'd fade, if so needed,  
All those moments with you  
If I had you beside me" _

Beast Boy felt tears in his eyes and leaned into Raven's shoulder, who in turn leaned softly into his hair. The words cut deeply into his innermost being, stabbing at his heart like a thousand daggers. It seemed Derek's choice was more than appropriate, given that it fit the current situation perfectly.

_One cloudy day we both lost the game?  
We drifted so far and away  
_

Raven felt Beast Boy's hand tighten around her own. She gently ran her other hand over his in an attempt to soothe him.

_  
Nothing is quite as cruel as a child  
Sometimes we break the unbreakable, sometimes?_

_"And we'll never have what we had then  
Friendship unbroken  
Love means nothing to me  
Without blinking an eye  
I'd fade, if so needed,  
All those moments with you  
If I had you beside me now" _

Beast Boy lost all resolve and wept openly. Raven gently wrapped her arms around him again, feeling somewhat stirred herself. As much as Beast Boy annoyed her at times, deep down she had never had any ill will towards him…most of the time. But to see him completely broken hurt her more than she realized. She also realized, through the song, that the thought of them drifting apart would hurt her even more.

_I was unable to cope with what you said  
Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind  
Child that I was, could not see the reason  
Feelings I had were but sham and a lie?  
_

That phrase stopped them both dead in their thoughts…they separated and looked directly at each other.

_  
I have never forgotten your smile  
Your eyes, oh, Shamandalie_

_Time went by, many memories died  
I'm writing this down to ease my pain _

_  
You saw us always clearer than me  
How we were never meant to be  
Love denied meant the friendship would die  
Now I have seen the light  
These memories make me cry_

Now they both wept openly, clinging to each other tightly. The realisation had dawned on them both that this was the perfect song for the situation not only for their current situation, but also for what might have been if Beast had continued his pursuit for Raven's affections; if he had made an attempt to declare his feelings for her…he could have lost everything…they both could have lost each other…and the thought of that was unbearable.

_"Can I ever have what I had then?  
Friendship unbroken  
Love means nothing to me  
Without blinking an eye  
I'd fade, if so needed,  
All those moments with you  
See the world with my wide open eyes_

_Friendship got broken  
There's no other for me  
Like the one of my childhood days  
Can you forgive me?  
Love got better off me,  
On that one day back in old times"_

As the song finished, Beast Boy and Raven pulled away from each other. Beast Boy looked deeply into Raven's eyes.

"Well Raven? Can you forgive me?"

Raven smiled back through her tears and stroked his cheek delicately.

"What kind of a friend would I be if I didn't?"

They embraced each other, revelling in the plutonic love they shared for each other. It wasn't what Beast Boy had hoped for…but it was much better than what might have become of them…he knew this now. But the feeling he had right now was the greatest sensation he'd felt in a long time. His bond with Raven had been strengthened beyond measure.

"Now that I've finally made you smile..." Beast Boy began, "now that I've finally made you happy...maybe I can finally have some inner peace."

Raven rubbed her hands up and down his back.

"I'm glad...and thank you for showing me the kind of sincere love that I've never felt before."

"And what about me?" came Derek's voice from the doorway.

They both looked up to see Derek grinning from ear to ear.

"Of course I love you too sweetie," she turned to Beast Boy and gave him a death glare, "You tell anyone I called him that and I'll kill you."

Beast Boy pouted and gave her the puppy dog face.

"I'll be good."

They all laughed, good hearty laughs. Even though they all knew the road ahead would be a long and rocky one, they were too swept up in the moment to care. But deep down they all knew that with all of them there to help one another, they would overcome any quarrel and obstacle. And now, with new friendships formed, and old friendships strengthened, the euphoria the three of them felt was pure and care-free; they had each other…and nothing would come between them.

* * *

**The End**

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**Heather...this as for you.  
**

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There you have it. Sorry, I had to get this out of the way...it was too personal for me not to do. Review please! Until next time.

Trollhammer.


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